a risk-taker.
i know i am, but i'm not complaining. at least, i keep telling myself not to. i am happy, after all. and i mean, who would want to live a cookie-cutter life with everything working out the way that it should? me? hah, maybe. i wish. if i did, everything would be boring...but perfect. what am i saying? it's not possible. never.
now that i think about it, i wouldn't have had anything happen in any other way. everything happens for a reason and, if anything, it all brought me closer to you. i love you, you know that? haha, and i don't even know if you'll read this but, just in case, i do. putting up with everything you have to go through is worth it because our relationship is far more "unique" than others...i think. no, i know. need i remind ourselves the ways in which we are an "odd couple"? you were there for me when i was stuck between the lives of my parents, and i was there for you when you were pinned down by yours. i'm still here for you, and i always will be, no matter what. no matter what.
the last time we ever cried: ______
haha, remember that? new years eve. i tried to make you cry, i tried to make myself cry and, for some reason, we just couldn't. maybe because, for me, everything i care about was right in front of me. after our failed attempt, we just moved on and enjoyed the rest of the night, me not having a slightest indication as to what would happen the following night...
after you told me about what had happened, i was shocked. i honestly never thought that would ever happen. and as soon as you left the first time to talk to your dad, it hit me. i cried. i cried. luckily, i forced myself to stop just as you came back. did i mention how long that movie was? geez, too long. but anyway, the last time we ever cried: yesterday. the last time i cried: just now.
don't feel bad
don't let yourself believe that you are a horrible boyfriend/best friend, or that your life is just plain horrible, because then i'd feel bad. here i am, sitting in front of my computer babbling about everything. just that. babbling, as in, not doing anything that would help you in anyway. if you see yourself as a horrible boy/best friend with a horrible life then i'm a horrible girlfriend/best friend who can't do anything about it all. you don't know how much i just want to wash it all away. you don't deserve it, ANY of it. and don't feel bad that you made me cry. i made myself cry because i care about you. you didn't do anything that hurt me. they did something that hurt you, and i just couldn't tolerate the thought of that. besides, it was my time to cry anyway :)
i'm sorry i wasn't able to tell you all of this up front. it just seems like i should be the one trying to make you happy and, in order to do so, crying and spilling out my feelings to you aren't options. for some reason, i feel like i'm contradicting myself. let me see... okay, well best friends are always there for one another and can tell each other about anything. boyfriends/girlfriends seem to be the escape from all of that chaos. you see? but i don't mind one bit. the struggle makes everything all the more enjoyable and genuine.
<3 xoxo
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